So...I was told I should start a blog. I wondered why, at first, then as the idea bounced around inside my head for a few days, I decided to check it out and so, here I am. Writing to no one ( I think - if I've set everything correctly.) about nothing. Or everything. This will be for whatever seems important to me at the time that I am writing. I have no idea right now if there will be any real organization or driving theme to this...it's just going to be me, jotting down the thoughts in my head. I may or may not come back a review what I've written in the past; I may or may not allow certain others I know to come here and read what I write here. I don't know yet. For now, this is just a way for me to talk to someone without needing someone with whom I can talk. A way for me to say things that I feel I can't say to someone who isn't me. A way for me to talk through things that are uppermost in my mind without bothering someone else...or worse, without leading to misunderstandings if I don't express myself well.
I've always been better with the written word as opposed to the spoken word. That's because I can plan what I write, I can monitor it as I write and I can review and adjust what I've written, all before it comes to someone else's attention. I hate to be wrong. I hate to be misunderstood and I hate to be imprecise. Speaking off the top of my head to another person is to extend an invitation to any combination of the aforementioned peeves.
Of my peeves, misunderstanding between me and others is the most common I've encountered in my life and the source of my greatest embarrassments. Comments which seemed completely innocent and benign, to me, has, in the past, been received awkwardly by others around me. I'm reminded here of the Village Inn Incident specifically but there have been others, ever since I was a child. Those incidents remind me that I prefer not to speak to others when it can be avoided. I don't want attention from others, I don't want them asking my opinion on this or that unless I know them well. Scratch that. I mean, unless they know me well. Well enough to understand what I am saying when I say it. I am uncomfortable around strangers because I know from past experience that my thought processes can lead me to say unexpected things, on unexpected topics and at unexpected times - from their perspective. It's gotten me negative attention in the past and I don't want negative attention, from anyone.
In all honestly, unless I know you well - and vice versa - I don't want positive attention from you either. If I don't know you, I don't want your attention at all. My life is easier this way.
I know the human species is supposed to be a social species. I've read that we all crave contact with others as a necessary ingredient to a full and normal life. I suppose I do crave contact with others. I just prefer that contact to be one person at a time, as much as possible. And that one person I want is my Her.
She is the one person in the world who gets me best. She doesn't understand me completely and sometimes that's a problem. It's a problem because I talk to Her. She gets my, often, unfiltered thoughts. I can't turn this thinking box off - I have a very hard time doing anything that consumes me so much that I can't think. Playing games, solving puzzles, even writing these words....while I am doing this, I can see my mind splitting in different directions, so that even while I am capturing these words, I am also currently thinking about my Her, obsessing over the trivia questions I got wrong in a game I was playing earlier today, making a list of things to do tomorrow and planning a sequence of quest progression tasks for my World of Warcraft character. This is why this blog, I can tell, will be a collection of thoughts, rather than a cohesively themed diatribe. This is why this blog will not be suitable for consumption by someone who is not me. This will almost be a free writing exercise for me. What pops into my head will be captured here. Whichever way my thoughts wander is the path I will take. Don't expect a logical flow, if you are not me. If you are me, then use this to recreate my thoughts and dive into different flows whenever it seems appropriate.
Big question. Do I want Her to know about this blog? It was Her idea, after all. I have no intention of filtering what I put here - which could be a problem because even though She knows me better than the sum of the rest of the world, there are aspects of me to which even She is not privy. Which is not to say that I am hiding these things from Her - ok, I AM, but not for the purpose of being secretive, in and of itself. I said it before, I don't like misunderstandings...and I think She - even She - wouldn't quite understand these things and so I keep them to myself.
Why am I doing this? It's always been far safer to keep these thoughts in my own head, where there is no chance anyone who isn't me could discover them. If I am honest, there are two reasons. First, She thought it would be a good idea. History has shown me that She knows me very well and Her insights are normally quite astute and therefore worthy of preferential consideration. Second, I know me very well. My ever-spinning hamster wheel forgets thoughts shortly after I think them. New thoughts are constantly coming in and there is only so much room in the attic at any one time, so the old gets discarded to make room for the new. I recognized this dynamic at a young age. My father has very neat and precise handwriting that I admire even to this day. He endeavored to have me learn it from him as a child but I was not as successful as he would have liked. My problem was that I couldn't focus. Because my wheels are always spinning, taking the time necessary to capture my thoughts in writing wasn't always possible. I had to write as fast as I thought, or my thought would be gone part way through writing it and I've had no clue what I was writing in the first place because I'd be five or six thoughts down the path by then. I picked up typing because I can almost type at my speed of thought and still have the output be legible, to myself as well as others.
Which leads me back here. I am doing this - for now anyway - as a way to document things I know I would otherwise simply forget and lose. I don't know what will end up here. I don't care. Let's follow this path and see where it goes.
More later.
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