Why?

Why do I obsess over things?  Is it insecurity?  Probably.  Is it a need to control what happens around me?  Perhaps, although I thought I got over that back in high school.

I wonder if I am autistic, in some form?  I really don't like my world to change.  Once it's comfortable, known, familiar, I w ant things to remain exactly the same.  It is my refuge from the outside world, where I go to get away from the chaos and noise generated by others.  As a general rule, I don't like entertaining at home because I don't like others intruding on my space.  My family can do as they please; they are not intruding because they are the familiar.  Change in my home environment is anathema to me.  I don't want things to change, or if they change, I want them to change slowly so I can adjust.  Sudden, big changes throw me off completely.

Maybe this is why I obsess.  Maybe this is why I am obsessing over Her.  Things have changed and I don't like it.  Not big changes, but there are subtle changes.  Tiny things, that maybe only I notice.  Or, they could be things I am making up in my own head.  I really can't tell.  What I know is I am convinced that things are different.  I want familiar back, I want comfortable back.  I think - I hope - we can get back to what was there before but I don't know.  Maybe I will just have to adjust to a new reality.  I hope not.  I liked my old reality.

What has changed?  Or, what is it that I think has changed?  Her.  Or, rather, Her attitude towards me.  I think.  I honestly can't tell if what I sense is real or just in my head.  What I think I see is that She doesn't come to me like She used to.  When I am in the room with Her, I no longer feel like I am in the room with Her, just that we are merely, and temporarily, finding ourselves in close proximity.  I feel like She is amiably tolerating my presence rather than enjoying or even seeking my company.  There are times when She does come to me, when She does seem to be seeking my company.  There was an afternoon last week when we were lying in bed together and I got up, for some reason that I don't recall right now, and She grabbed my arm and pulled me back to the bed.  The idea that she wanted me, didn't want to me to leave her side, thrilled me.  For a moment, I was higher than the clouds.

I love Her.  She is the center of my world.  I used to feel that I was the center of Her world.  She used to make me feel like I was the center of Her world. I don't feel that way anymore and it distresses me to distraction.

I fear Her love for me is broken.  I fear She remains here not because She wants to be with me, but because She doesn't want to disrupt things for the children.  I fear She tolerates me, but no longer truly loves me.

I fear this is true...and I feel all the worse because if it is true, it's my fault.  I love Her so much but if I've lost Her love, I can blame no one but myself.  It's a combination that has me experiencing a daily boom and bust cycle.  In the course of a single day, She can smile at me and touch me and I am on cloud nine...then she does something - probably completely innocent - that I interpret as avoidance or rejection and I crash into the depths of the darkest abyss, where I brood and stew until She does something that again lifts me up to the highest highs.

This has to be all in my head.  She is a wonderful woman.  She would never purposely treat me like this.  She says She loves me, Her actions back that up.  Maybe Her love for me isn't broken; maybe I am breaking myself because I don't think I deserve Her love or haven't been punished enough to earn Her love back.  If this is true, then She is blameless and I need to figure out a way to forgive myself and get back to being the man She loves.

I want to talk to Her but I don't want to continually remind Her of negative things in the past.  I want to talk to Her because She is my confidant, the one person in the world with whom I want to share my life....but I don't want to broach this topic because I don't want to remind Her of past pains.  I think that is part of why I am writing here.  If I can purge my demons here, I can get back to the paradise that is Her.